Raising Better

I’d seen Of Boys and Men by Richard Reeves recommended on Instagram several times as a must-read for parents of boys. As a new father to a son, writing a blog about raising boys, it quickly hit the top of my reading list. The premise of the book is simple. Boys and men are struggling and we need to do something about it as a society. Overall I thought this was a good look at the issues collectively facing men and boys, which has some very strong points, but also some notable flaws. I liked the author’s emphasis on intersectionality, the importance of the role fathers have in raising children, and how he doesn’t shy away from proposing significant changes to address the relevant issues. Most of the drawbacks, in my opinion, come from the author’s self-proclaimed position as a centrist, which leads to treating both sides’ viewpoints as equally legitimate and some glaring ommissions in his arguments.

If you had told me even five years ago that I’d start a blog primarily focused on gender, I’d think you were insane. When we first started dating in college, my wife asked me if I was a feminist. I said I was not, which surprised her and thankfully wasn’t the end of our relationship right then and there. I believed in the importance of equality and women’s rights, but I didn’t call myself a feminist because I wasn’t doing anything to support the cause. I wasn’t out lobbying, or volunteering with the campus women’s center, or engaging in feminist discussions. It didn’t feel right to call myself a feminist if I wasn’t doing anything to earn the label. When I explained my reasoning, she understood what I meant even though she didn’t agree with my conclusion.

My dad has asked me a few times since my son was born if it feels like he was always here or if I even remember a time without him. My honest answer is I remember my life before being a father, but it has been such a monumental shift it’s difficult to mentally put myself back in that position. Fatherhood suits me and I have fallen into the role right in step. A month in, I’m still suprised at how much has come naturally and how well I’ve adapted. In this post, I’m writing a whirlwind lookback at the first month of being a dad, the good, the bad, and the ugly.

On my personal site, I share short thoughts about every book I read. This helps me reflect on what I read and evaluate trends across my book choices. When I was thinking about what I wanted to write about for this new site, doing something similar for children’s books immediately came to mind. Books are such an important way for kids to learn about the world and I’m frightened by the ever-growing pile of partisan book bans and challenges in the US. This is a coordinated effort to censor diverse books which, by way of simply existing, challenge the white, cisgender, heterosexual power structure in this country. I want us to counter this by championing books which promote the values we want our kids to develop. Real family values — ones that celebrate diversity, recognize not everyone looks like us, not every family looks the same, all people have worth, and empathy and emotional maturity are goals to strive for, not weaknesses.

Many new moms share their birth stories online, for others to learn from, for support, or for any number of other reasons. I haven’t seen many new dads do the same thing, but I think we should. Childbirth is obviously primarily the birthing parent’s experience, but for birth partners it can be stressful and difficult so it would be valuable to have more stories from their perspective. If more fathers share their experience as the support person for a birth, we can build a body of knowledge for other new dads to learn from and normalize talking about the whole range of experiences we have during the birth of our children. In this post, I share, with my wife’s permission, my perspective on the story of our son’s birth.

Thinking about raising a child who goes into adolescence and adulthood with good social awareness, it’s difficult to map that idea to the early time in that child’s life, before we’re able to have these conversations with words. Ideas like social justice and gender equality don’t seem relevant when the baby’s world consists of eating, sleeping, and diaper changes. Still, it’s important for me to start trying to foster these ideals as early as possible so he has consistent exposure to them through his childhood. The way I believe I can do this with a newborn is through modeling the behavior I’d expect from a good man.

Through the early part of her pregnancy, my wife and I both had a minor assumption that we were having a girl. When we got the NIPT¹ results back and found out we were having a boy, we both experienced some kind of disappointment. I think the initial reaction was shock at having made the wrong assumption. I knew I didn’t really have a preference for the sex of our child and I’d be happy either way, but something felt wrong. After the initial shock passed, I understood what I was feeling was not disappointment, but apprehension.